Where is God?

Where is God in a world so full of unspeakable pain? This question was posed on the back cover of a book I was reading as I waited for the funeral of a seven year old girl to begin. It was a question I was asking as I felt the loss of this beautiful little girl named Viola. In a two week period of time, she was the second child our community was gathering together to bury. In my spirit, I was wrestling with harsh realities and great sadness. Viola died from a preventable and treatable disease.
A few days ago, a 17 year old, single mother gave us her three month old baby. This precious little girl, weighing only seven pounds, was unable to defend herself. She was unable to speak for herself except for her brown eyes that pierced my heart. Her mother was overwhelmed with the burdens of life. She grew up in a home where her single mother sold herself to feed her children. The cycle is now being repeated. This baby, appropriately named Grace, was accepted at a children’s home about an hour away from Kipkaren. When we arrived at the children’s home, the director said, “Where is the unwanted child?” His wife, who was holding the baby, quickly replied by speaking these life-giving words to the baby: “You are wanted. Listen to me. I want you.” I cannot help but ache for this young mother who remains without hope. My heart also aches for her other daughter, Ivy, who at two years old is blind, deaf, mute, and lame. Where is God in a world so full of unspeakable pain?
My little Flovia, the severely malnourished three year old I have written about before, has been with us for the past two and a half months and is thriving. She has brought me more joy than I can describe. She has increased from 14 lbs. to 22 lbs. She has relearned to walk and loves to play with her little baby doll. She now has the energy to throw major temper-tantrums and is incredibly particular about everything. Honestly, she could not be more lovely. She is learning to speak in multiple languages and calls everyone who cares for her “Mama.” This is who we are to her. The odds are stacked against this orphaned, HIV+ child; and the question, once again, resurfaces: Where is God? The truth is, as in every situation above, He is right in the middle of the pain. Closer than I know, He is grieving with the mother who has lost her child. His loving kindness is pursuing this teenage mom that is broken-hearted and without hope. He is fighting and giving a voice to the abandoned baby and helpless orphans.
In my life, I am finding that the closer I get to God the closer I get to the suffering. Never has the contrast between joy and pain been as real to me as it is now. It seems it should be either one or the other. However, in this land joy and pain coexist. I walk and play with barefooted children each day. I listen to orphans sing, “The Lord is my portion in the land of the living. The Lord is good forevermore.” The sun rises and sets each day reminding me that the Lord is faithful. I do not always feel His presence, but I have learned to trust that there is a share of mercy that is enough for everything that will be encountered this day.

Felix

For us in Kipkaren, the last few days have been full of great sorrow and loss as our little Felix, one of the two malnourished children we have been caring for, passed away on Sunday morning. Felix was only 14 months old. He had finally increased in weight and had gained the strength to hold up his own head. About a week ago, I was blessed as I sat and played with Felix and heard the sound of his laughter. It was beautiful. He was beautiful with his big brown eyes that always seemed to be asking questions. When I held him, he would often touch my face with his tiny little hand. To say the least, he had captured my heart. On Wednesday, a pastor had come to pray for both Felix and Flovia. After praying, the pastor laid Felix down and said, "I'm looking at the image of God." For sure, it was true.
On Friday evening, Felix suddenly fell very ill with a high fever. He was struggling to breathe. We rushed him to a hospital about an hour away, and he remained there with his mother until he passed away. In his short life, Felix fought a very tough fight against HIV and tuberculosis. I think he just got tired and needed to rest. My heart aches as I longed to see him live. My heart aches for his 18 year old mother who has experienced so much loss. Her name is Emily, and I ask you to pray for her. Imagine, she is 18 and a widow. Her husband passed away in November from an AIDS related illness. It was at this time that Emily learned that, after only one year of marriage, she and her son were also infected with HIV. She was left alone to raise her son as well as the two orphans from her husband's first marriage. I met Emily a few days after the burial of her husband; and over these past months, she has become so dear to me. When I look at her, I see a girl with the heavy weight of the world crushing her and stealing all of her dreams. Oh, how I long to see what has been lost restored. Only God can do it. Jesus has entrusted us to be His hands and feet to Emily; and for the sake of love, we will do it with all of our hearts.
I am so grateful for the love of God. He gave me eyes to see beyond Felix's broken and wasted body. I was privileged to hold a child of the King whose worth was beyond measure.